She says I’ve become everything she doesn’t ever want to be. She’s got some growing up to do. Then she’ll get to the same place I have. It’s inevitable. It isn’t hopeless, it isn’t sad. For the first time it’s fun. I can now take risks, explore the unknown. It’s exciting.
She talks about all the cute guys she claims to love. What does she know? I miss that crazy, impulsive, innocent love though. I can’t remember more than half the guys she names. She says they’re so handsome. I bet they are not. And if they are, in just a few years, they won’t be anymore. I don’t know how or when it happens, but it does. I’ve seen it.
She thinks her friends are gonna be her friends forever. There’s nothing in this world that could possibly drive them away. She thinks they keep her secrets. She’s convinced they love her. Some of them do, they’re just tired of listening to her go on and on about love. They’re so different, they just don’t know it yet. Those differences will sooner or later come in between them. By the time she’s 18 she’ll realize she hasn’t heard from these “friends” in 5 years. Who are they today?
She watches way too much TV. She cries if she misses an episode of a show she won’t understand how she put up with in a year from now.
She wants nothing but to find the one. She wonders if he’s the one. Or maybe him. Or maybe him. She’s too shy to even look at them. Most of them will never know what she’s thinking. She believes if she finds him, she’ll be happy and life will make sense. She thinks with him by her side there’ll be no need for food, water, clothes or money.
She has a dream. She believes she was born to be an artist. She was born to shine, she can’t be ordinary, she’s something else. She writes songs no-one will ever hear about feelings I’ve forgotten. “It’s not giving up, it’s starting over”, I tell her. She won’t listen to me. It’s meant to be this way. She can’t explain how but she knows that.
She feels. It makes her vulnerable. Even though she tries to look strong to the world, her heart is wide open and exposed. She’ll get hurt. A lot. In ways I wish I didn’t know. There’s nothing I can do to stop it and there’s nothing I can do to help her. Yet, in time she’ll be alright.
I spend too much time online. I can’t remember when I last felt anything even close to love. The guys I’d “loved” never loved me back. I don’t have any friends anymore. I don’t believe in finding the one, maybe because I think I already lost him. I can’t write songs, and when I read the ones I have in the past, I can’t understand how I did it. When I sing, it hurts. I don’t have anything figured out, my life is a mess. I almost hate all the things I loved. Life has taken me down a crazy road where nothing is they way I’d imagined. I’m caught up in pain, fear and anger. I’ve wanted to let go, but I’ve been saved. I’ve found hope in the most hopeless, dark and lonely place. I rediscovered joy. I learnt things I’d never thought I’d have to. I’ve become stronger.
Today I am free. I write my own future, I choose where I want to go and who I want to be. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
She will be who she will be. She won’t lose her joy, her dreams, her hopes. She won’t lose her innocence. She will be stronger. She will be better. It may take her some time, some pain. She’ll get there.
She will be who she was meant to be. She will be me.
What if everything you ever said was a lie?
When you touched me, that’s when the lines started to get blurry. I don’t remember anything before or after that. All I know is that was the moment when I realized we weren’t friends.
Every day I used to dream of you. It drove me crazy.
You said you wanted to be my friend. We never really were. All the things you did, all the things you said were just because you were bored. Was she even real?
You said I could fall in love with you. It would last forever. Was it just another lie?
You never truly let me in. Now I can see. I’ve never felt more stupid. I believed every word you said. You couldn’t fight it. You used me. Here I am. Broken. Feeling terrible for what I’d done when I find out it wasn’t real. You lied. All the time.
Were you ashamed to be with someone like me? God knows we were too different. I knew that. You knew that. So what in the world made us feel so close to each other? What the hell was that?
We’re both liars.
I’ll deny it ever happened. I guess I really am better off without you.